on Centerstage

it's been a little over six months since I plunged into this change.

it wasn't the smoothest ride as I think any change or transition would be, anyway.

but in that relatively short span of time, a lot of suprises have sprouted right in front of me. suprises that come to a point where I am, most often times, caught off guard and continually mesmerized by such.

its just an overwhelming feeling that slowly things start to turn over without you really intending it to be or imagined it. well, i guess..its just how nature take its course of action.

not that i'm complaining or anything. it just simply amazement on my part that I have yet to savor until I am used to it.

though, there are times when it traverses the path of a not so ideal means for change, you'd realize that's its a good change, after all.

and you can finally utter the words "change is inevitable" by heart with your hopes high that you see it to be for the better. and so does the other.


p.s
Am I being too vague?

Kyla

It's been five years since our family went on a vacation trip outside of the country. The last time we did was on a two-week bus trip across Central Europe. It was a fun fun trip! What with the breathtaking country side and town proper of the said trip couple it with historical and classical elegant feel. The only downside was that it was pretty tiring since we were almost always on the go so there was no really no time to keep a travel journal which should have been perfect to record those memorable places and experiences that go hand in hand
while you were at it. Sure, there were lots of pictures and recorded tapes to relish those but I guess it'll still be different recalling things while flipping through pages you documented while you were in the very moment of it. It sort of gives you a first-hand experience, I guess.

And so when it was announced that we were going on a six-day trip to China, I vowed to keep a travel journal even if I didn't have a single clue of our itinerary except for the fact that for sure we're going back to Hong Kong after seventeen years! But lo and behold, I wasn't able to even open the notebook I intentionally put in my everyday bag for the duration of the trip. The same dilemma applies; i was too tired to even write at the end of day. In fact, when we get back to the hotel I immediately plunge into the bed and will wake up a few hours into the midnight to clean up then go back to sleep again then wake up just in time for breakfast and we're off to go to the day's itinerary.

But what's different about this time, I was more aware, engaged and "into the moment" of this trip. Maybe because it was relatively less stressful and shorter than the Europe trip. I had more time to think or go muni-muni and engage myself in a number of silent conversations and observations with myself on the places we went to. Don't get me wrong, for me the Europe trip was still by far the best trip I've had. I just didn't have time to really engage myself to this and that because I was so hyped up with excitement of seeing this and seeing that tomorrow - since it was a really packed tour. There were a lot of things to appreciate that you get this overwhelming overload of sights to see, trivia and information to digest and the feeling to submerge yourself into it.

The fact that maybe I was already less familiar at this time with the Chinese culture and history made me more engaged and yearn to know more about it. So, I will dare try to make a comprehensive recall of what came about with that six day sojourn in the coming days. Hopefully, complete with the picture or even videos I took and a part of the silent conversations and observations I have made.

im back from a 6-day sojourn in China - a much needed retreat.

three things that kept running through me during the trip.

one. how i am still amused by the fact that in just about an hour and a half, you cand find yourself in a completely different place and culture.

two. how i now officially hate aiports (which i used to love). details later.

three. how i am still clueless how chinese and other foreign countries have all the while similar familial traditions with us. 'cause I never thought and imagined any other race to be as family-oriented as ours. or is it just me.

there are quite a lot of things, both high and low points, (and pictures, too)to say about the trip but I guess will have to save that for a yet a much-needed and long awaited coherent write-upa after I compose myself.

We're a little half past the first month for the year yet I feel I haven't really made the most out of it. It feels like time is slipping by and passing by me swiftly.

Although all the new year's revelry was well celebrated and welcomed, I feel like I really didn't turn the pages from last year's. I don't know why.

For one, I didn't feel like summing up the year that was and in turn making goals and things to look forward to for this year. It's funny, though, I welcomed 2008 with a very positibe vibe with an old-school journal to boot but I kinnda ended it a not so positive way.

Having said that might just turn the table around for me, hopefully, as I start the year with a I-couldn't-care-less-what-happens-then-it-happens attitude.

In truth if there's anything that pulls me back from pushing the limits this year, it would have to be fear. Fear for a lot of things, actually.

The one fear that tops my list is having to face the disappointment of planning things and failing at it. It was one those things that hit me the hardest from the past year. It was a real feat for me to endure it. It actually haunts me every now and then with all the what-ifs and what-could-have been thoughts. You know the feeling of how you don't want to undergo the same ordeal again? I thinks that's just how it is for me and it kindda sucks, you know...

Plus, there are so many things I would want to do but I just can't seem to get my self from attaining them. There are a lot of setbacks and though I try my very best to be inspired and get started, I just cant' seem too. Maybe that's why I feel so stuck right now. I am so afraid to get out of my (not-so) comfort zone. I can't even get myself started to jot down my goals because for sure it will be an overwhelming thing.

Oh, God. Please help me get going on. This can not go on forever.

I've been wanting to go out. but which way? that i don't know.

if there's one thing I know for sure at this time...

ayoko na din. its not that im not happy with it but i just need to get away ASAP.

haven't had a decent vacation for the last 4 years..

or so a self-imposed one.

Its been three days since the official work day started for 2009 and yet I have been virtually doing nothing on my office cubicle except for some phone calls made and received, filing of emails and documents, taking power naps, cleaning my keyboard, exhausting the day's yahoo news and pretending to read.

Its not that I don't have a line up of work to do. In fact, I have two product folders which was supposedly on my Decemeber work sched. Then again, the first three months were a bombardment of deadlines and requests orginially not existing on my segment's to-do-list. That, plus my extra-curricular activities.

I feel that I actually am purposely putting my product folders on hold though I'm almost 70% done with them. For one, I can't seem to put myself in the back-to-work mood. Secondly, it does not have a deadly deadline on its tail. Lastly, I've kindda grown out of it since I had started making it last October until it was interrupted by the never ending drafts for inserts, white sheets and whatnots.

Anyway, all this idle moments and bus rides to work and home makes me feel so stuck somewhere right now. Its like there's something in me who wants to break free. But i don't know how or what avenue to use to tap it. There's just so much I want. Thinking bout drives me crazy that I opt no to anymore. I feel Im wasting so much time but I just can't seem to get started. There's too much apprehensions and fear. Maybe its taking after all of the failed plans of last years and the notion that I should just sit back and wait for things to happen if they're meant to. Its kindda hard to stir away from the latter but it drives me crazy too.

I have been very excited about seeing West Side Story-Manila unfold in Meraclo Theater this month. And no, it's not just because of Christian Bautista being in it. Okay, fine, maybe partly it was but if you're my friend you'd know better than that. Haha.I wanted to catch the opening night badly because chances are Joanna Ampil will be Maria and for the "thrill" of being there in the opening night and being one of the few who gets to see the much-talked about dance routines. So, about two to three weeks before it opened I was looking for tickets but couldn't get hold of any orchestra seats anymore. I resigned the fact that I will not be able to watch on the opening date. Heck, I was even willing to pay double the ticket price for that special gala performance for BayaniJuan the day before.

Good thing, I didn't.

Luck was on my side when I got Tin and I Orchestra side tickets at the last minute!

Tin texted me 2 days before the night and she said she also wanted to catch the opening night. I told her though that there aren't any orchestra seats left but still she checked with Ticketworld and with Ms. Menchu, nonetheless. Only balcony seats were left so we were settled on not wacthing anymore on that night and was already talking on other show dates.

I felt sad of not being able to catch the show where Joanna Ampil was the confirmed Maria. (Tin has her sources kasi. hehe) So the night before the big day, I decided to ask the showbuyer if "by any chance she still has orchestra tickets" The show was sold-out already BUT there were still tickets to be claimed at the gates and if we were willing to stand by on night itself, we might get lucky. It was settled that Tin and I will be on the top of the list of those who will walk-in. At 11 pm, the showbuyer, Minnie, sent me good news of sure tickets but just as I was about to announce the good news to Tin, the original buyer changed his mind again. We couldn't do anything but keep our hopes high and fingers crossed really hard.

At around 1 pm the next day, we already got confirmed tickets for the night's show. We just have to be there before 7pm to claim our seats and tickets. The show was at 8pm but I left hom as early as 4:30 om and reached Meralco Theater at a little past 6 pm. Of course, gates were still closed and I saw familiar faces from Trumpets/Stags going in and out of the main entrance as well as the backstage's entrance doing last minute prep-ups. At around 6:30, I met the gracious Minnie who was so nice to accodommodate our request at the last minute. Of course, I got hold of our golden tickets to the streets of New York (at least) for the night and secured it well!

A couple of minutes later, I met up with Tin and her friend Jeff. We talked and "people-watched" at the lobby until it was about time to break in to our seats and watch the drama unfold before us. But that is another long story which I will have to include in the album as soon as I get hold of that night's most prizes pictures from Tin.



Until then.

    I honestly didn't see it coming. I mean, I did want a way out but certainly not in that manner. Not in the way that I'm in the losing end.  I would have really preferred a graceful exit, thank you. My mind told me I was calm, cool and collected. But apparently my body language showed otherwise. The one thing that I thought would make me confident enough and the one that I take pride in giving me my identity didn't do the trick either. I guess having let my hair down doesn't work for that kind of industry. But enough with that.

    I just made a complete fool of myself.
    The whole experience now seems like a total torture to me.
    I felt like I have put a lot into waste. And I mean a LOT.
    Time, Opportunity, Reputation (for a lack of better term) and etc.
    Not to mention the emotional baggage it came with.
    And I tell you, it's a heavy one.

    Is this some kind of a curse or what? Because if it is, I really need to find a way to stop it.
    I need an antidote, a cure, a spell, a charm or whatnots.
    
I'd like to believe I've given my best, prayed hard and believed and kept a positive mind enough to make things happen for me and get my life started. But for some unknown reasons, I almost always don't end up triumphant. I can't help but ask what is wrong, what's holding me back or what is it that always come in way to either block me from that goal or leave me hanging on. I can't seem to figure it out and see what it is. (Can someone help me? You know, it's not easy with a 250 eyesight!)

GRR.

And oh by the way, in case you're wondering what is this about...

a disastrous interview is the primary cause which is another addition to all the plans that fell flat to my face and therefore summing up into frustrations (to which ZARA and Green Tea doesn't have their obliterating effect nor pacify me anymore). BOW.

But don't worry I take full responsibilites of it. Having said that actually makes it even more harder.

Just let me be, thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me I need to find nature of the mind which means I have to stop remembering the past and stop thinking about the future. Wish me luck, as I find pleasure in thinking too much. Haha!

(If I could have a vice that would be thinking too much! (and walking a lot too.))
   

P.S

as for the title of this monologue, i'd like to call it: This is me...Ranting.
an alternative title would be: Exploring the possibility of dry sarcastic humor as a therapy to rants and raves.

Okay, enough with the drama. On to our lives.. Thanks, anyway! :)

I am ready for...



...September so I could start making my life happen!



...A new start and let go of all the bitterness!

For some really magical reasons, each friendship has its own story and unique special bond even the two (at the minimum) people sharing it, find it hard to comprehend.

I have a lot of friends. And I'm not implying this to brag but because I value my friends and how loyal I am to each one of them even if I really don't get to show them. I have different and varied sets and groups of friends but if there's one thing common among all of them is how they all have a special spot in my heart. Cheesy but I mean it. I cherish, treasure and value them so much (more than they'll ever know) that there are times where I get too selfish of them.

But anyway, 'nuff with the drama. I am just so enthralled by the magic of friendship.

In my case, there are certain friends whom I can only open about this and that but that doesn't make my other friends any less. You know how each friend is unique, how he/she gets you in some way that none of your other friends will but you both appreciate and love them, nonetheless.

Last night while I walked my brother back to his dorm, we were walking towards this corner wherein there were three street kids seated on the curb and sharing over one cup of instant noodles.

This is one of life's moments wherein my heart is deeply shattered.

We know that life can never be fair and every time those moments pop up in front of me to reveal life's sad truth, I am deeply hurt. And what's even more hurting is knowing you can do something but it's just that you can't (maybe for the time-being, that is.) Every time that happens, I almost always just turn around and close my eyes and "ignore" if only to make things easy for me.

Not really.

I do that to make things be a little bearable because every time I do that I still feel pain and sometimes even consider it as a sin. Yes, a sin. My only consolation for that "sin" is uttering a small prayer of "God Bless you" for them. Still, I feel it isn't enough. Sometimes I think that's why I feel this way is because of guilt. Guilty of being able to experience the well-off life. But at the back of my head, i try to rationalize everything and end up having to recognize that it just happens that I have imbibed in me the lessons I've learned having graduated in a Catholic school. I try to re-channel that "guilt" into recognizing the value of social responsibility. I may not know the entirety of that value but I guess I know enough and have learned enough from my parents.

If there is one lesson that my parents taught us which really stucked into me, it is this: Help those people who really needs help.

It was this one Sunday after hearing mass and were making our way out of the church's gate. And there by the gate, a man was standing by - limping and holding on to his wooden casts. Surprisingly, my dad rolled down the car's window and dropped some coins into the old man's hand. And then right after, he told us that those were the kind of people who really deserves to have help lent to them. That moment deeply touched me and in fact, tears still well-up in my eyes as I remember it. Now, you might ask why I described that incident as a "surprising" one? It is because my parents do not believe in giving help in mere "dole-outs" form. In fact, sometimes they would shy away street children who comes up in gas stations or while you park your car, begging. It is not because they're masungit or greedy or whatsoever bad trait you can think of, but it is because ayaw nilang masanay yung mga bata and eventually tolerate their parents who are well-able to work but don't do so. You get the point, right?

I, on the other hand, also kept that in mind. That is why, mali man sa paniniwala ng iba, I choose who to help. Sometimes, I even fail to extend help to those who deserve them if only to be "fair".

But last night's encounter with those street children drove me out of my not-so-comfort zone (read: turning around and ignoring them) As we were nearing them, they might have seen the pity and care I had for them as I stared at them. So having notice that I was looking at them, the youngest of the three looked up and smiled (with noodles on the sides of his mouth) and teased us, saying "uy, magsyota.." while giggling. I didn't find it annoying as most of other notorious, so to speak, street kids who do that. (In fact, I found it really funny because I was with my brother!) Instead, I found it cute. Then beside him was an older boy who was enjoying his turn on the cup of noodles. He looked up and said "'Te, Kain."

Now that really got me that even while I kept walking with my brother, my mind was with those three kids. I was moved that I decided, since I will being going back to a nearby convenience door to get some water, I'm gonna got them something to eat too. When I walked back to the nearby convenience store, I had to pass by those three kids again and as I did, the older boys were now sharing their almost-gone noodles. I heard one saying, "hindi lang naman ikaw ang nagugutom eh.." That broke my heart again but at the same time touched me too, because he uttered it in such a way that he was not picking a fight with the other boy. So that made me hurried up more to get those crackers and water I wanted for them. As I passed them, one of the older boys stood up and walked after me. I must admit, I initially got scared because I thought he might go up to me and "bug" me. But he also walked into the store. The doorman initially held him but was eventually led inside with the former following him as he took a pack of noodles and went to the cashier. As I got 3 packs of crackers and 1 big bottle of water and my own bottle of water, I headed to the cashier. The cashier wasn't as nice as the doorman was to the little boy as the doorman even helped the boy's noodle "get cooked" with a cupful of hot water.

As I was finished with my transaction at the store, I was excited to give out my little aid to the three kids but I was nervous at the same time. Maybe because I was anticipating the well-up of emotions following my giving of help to them. You see, I'm extremely an emotional person.

Anyway, as I was walking towards them, the two older boys had already settled by the curb again while the younger one was dancing and running around. As I reached them, the younger one stopped and it was to him that I held out the plastic and told them that it was for them to take part in. His face lit up and i think I heard him say "wow" and went towards the two boys who had just raised their heads to see what had just happened. While the two other boys were checking what the plastic had, the other one looked up an said "Ay 'Te, Maraming Salamat po, Ah" to which I uttered a shy "Cge.." and hurriedly walk away.

I wanted to stay and take a look at their faces because for the third time that night they have touched me. I wanted to remember their face so I could go back and help them again. I wanted to stay and have a little chat with them because I know that talking to them and making them feel that someone understands them counts more than what financial aid we can give them. But because naunahan ako ng hiya at emosyon sabayan mo pa ng pangamba dahil gabi na, I had to, again, turn my back and walk away from them and holding back my tears and just say a little prayer for them.

I wrote about this not because I want to let the world know what I have just done and gain praises,accolades or whatever that maybe. But because I want to let you know how those little kids took their situation. They still had a seemingly happy disposition in life, did not fight over the food and more importantly had the courage and generosity to even offer their food to others. They were also respectful in such a way that they were not annoying street kids who notoriously beg and demand (yes, demand) for you to give them some help.

Now, what will letting you know of their situation bring? Simply, cliche as it may sound, to not only count your blessings but VALUE them. Now, I don't need to enumerate things on how one can do it but to just get the picture working, finishing what is left on our plate and not wasting food can do the trick. Now, before I start to sound like you parents or your Homeroom teacher, I now you get the picture already. But if you want to take the notch up higher, be more socially responsible and make others too.

gee.. i miss everybody. everything.

must be because of my exile mode for the board exams.

haven't even blogged or even wrote in my journal for over a month now. i miss it so much. feeling ko kasi its such a waste of time especially i t takes a lot of time for me to write. but i keep track with twitter naman most of the time.

heck, why am i even blogging now?

i don't know either.

lately i've been so unsure of what i'm feeling but its not the bad kind that gets you depressed or down. wala lang. di mo lang talaga alam kung ano estado mo, yung ganun. kaya nga siguro ako nagblog - para outlet nang lahat na tumatakbo sa isip ko maliban sa mga pinagaaralan ka na samu't saring chemicals, gamot, principles etc. (parang meron natira sakin sa sobrang dami eh no?)

maari ding it's the near-the-date-jitters na. hindi naman super kabado pero gulong-gulo lang. tuliro ba. haha

barely a week to go for the big 2 days. (read: local pharmacy board exam) haay. hindi ko masasabi handang handa na ako para dito pero i'll make sure to make do with what i have. alam ko naman hindi ko papabayaan ni Lord. that's why im keeping the faith and fingers crossed really hard!


lately i don't have the appetite to eat. been living on coffee, tea, chocolates and my current fave Gatorade at Propel. primetime shows at ABS becomes a nightly habit too or rather an excuse to go for a break from studying.

ano pa ba? sorry super sabog at random ng entry na to. ganyan nga siguro talaga ang estado ng utak ko ngayon. scattered. parang molecules ng gas. (sheesh)

i just miss everybody! as in everybody and everything

i just can't wait to get this over and done with.

i can't wait to get artsy-fartsy(get back to beading and discover a new craft), to dance, to paint, to write, to READ books other than academic ones, to shop, to laze around without the guilt, to have a DVD marathon, to watch plays if there are any still (missed Ave.Q!), to play the violin and learn how to sing, to send long emails to friends, to multiply and friendster, to see ZARA(haha), to swim even if it means under the rain, to have a long talk even nonsense would do, and the list goes on.

RAR.

Kaya to.

Pray for me, too. :)

Me: Hi. Good pm. Kyla po to, ung nakktrain pero grad nko. Ask ko lang if I should and if am still allowed to show up tomorrow? (auditions)

Marvin(President): Gud pm. pasensya na, nakausap ko po adviser namin at nde na daw po kayo pwede umattend ng mga training...Sorry po, thanks for training with us though, and i hope may natutunan po kayo sa amin.

Me: Its Ok. :) No Worries. Thank you.Oo naman, in fact you guys taught me more then dancing and that makes me even more prouder of Salinggawi. promise!.hehe It was indeed a pleasure to train with you. sayang nga ngayon lang kung kelan grad nko.hehe anyway, more power. thanks so much ulit.

Marvin: Hehe. Thanks.. Ingat always. God Bless!


My training with the Salinggawi officially ended yesterday. My third and last day. Although, I still wasn't able to execute dance routines as flawlessly as possible, at least I wasn't a slack off as compared to my second day. It was actually quite a challenge for me as I struggled with myself at 6:00 am whether to get up or not and attend my would-be last day training even if I have already prayed and decided on it the night before. And so after about an hour of fighting my internal battles, I got up and prepped up for the training determined to do better this time. So we went about with the usual warm-ups, the exhausting but satisfying numerous rounds of jogging, more dance routines, more stretchings and that "Chorus Line" moment I had. Ironically, the most challenging part of that third day was the cool down session. Stretchings, push ups, crunches, liftings really tested my endurance, abilities, determination and patience. Thankfully, this time around, members of the dance troupe "individualized" our cool down as they help us out, encouraged us, assisted us and point out if we were doing it right.

My frustrations were at its minimum today as I tried my very very best to re-channel it into doing better in routines and skills. Then those who already had three trainings were assessed 6 persons at a time. Thus, the Chorus Line moment. I made sure to still put my best foot forward and prayed even if I know that I wouldn't be eligible for the auditions. Even if I would, I don't think I could even make the cut. But, I still wanted to join the auditions just for the experience and to know how I faired in their standards, just so I know. But that won't be possible now, as I confirmed with their President that I am no longer allowed to join them. But I perfectly understand. No strings attached. The only thing is I would never now how I faired. But there are no regrets. I was still very much thankful and positive about the whole thing. I kept thanking God for that opportunity. In truth, somehow, I felt relieved that I wouldn't continue training with them anymore as it wasn't really making me feel the way I felt (and enjoyed) my ballet and other dance lessons. I was getting filled in with pressure that I really shouldn't feel, frustrations on the verge of feeling inferior, competition against my own self (toughest of all kinds of competition, trust me). But in one way or another, it helped me too. I'm slowly getting back into shape,btw.

On another note, my first writing racket is a success and I'm getting published with minor editing. Yehey! Although, the pay is just small, okay lang, wag lang nilang kalimutan ung by-line. Hehe. I was so happy upon knowing it that I couldn't stop smiling, laughing and dancing around. Good thing, I was alone in the condo. Or else, I would have come cross as one crazy girl. Proof? Here.

kylajanika wohoo! para akong banggag sa sobrang tuwa. wohoo. tumbling,cartwhell, front walk, hand stand. haha. high na high! haha about 6 hours ago from web

see? i told you.

And on an another note again, my application for WYD '08 was sadly not approved. As much as I would try to reason out why it resulted that way, I just acknowledged the fact that "God has better plans for me." It may go off as easy to accept it just like that but I did as I have surrendered and lifted my everything to the Lord, to let things be in His own way and time and I have my faith to back me up. :) Maybe, Australia's not really for me. This is the second chance of visiting Australia that failed. Oh well.

Although it was an overall okay day, i cannot help but acknowledge the fact that somewhere behind my head, I feel bad. It was my second day to join the Salinggawi Summer Training. And Boy, did I screw it up. Although, I wasn't there for auditions and so there was really no pressure on my part, I still felt bad because I didn't get any single routine right. Right - meaning executing it flawlessly or at the very least hindi sablay. Its frustrating because I used to good on those things - pirouttes, straddle jumps etc. Although I wasn't exactly exemplary at it before, but I sure was not a slack off at it. I'm not even close to how flexible I was and how my endurance has thinned. I used to a total of about 100 of crunches and sit ups in combination. Now, I could barely lift both my legs from the ground. As much as I want to refocus my energy in just doing what I could and take those frustrations as encouragement, it isn't easy to do so. I regret having to waste my four consecutive years of tight and personal training in ballet and that no matter how I sit-in in ballet class or these trainings, it remains that I have put those four years into waste. But I'd like to believe that I really shouldn't be regretting over that "loss" because I was facing the challenges of college life and gaining from it too. A series of what-ifs questions crossed my mind. What if I continued to take dance class on weekends, would have it emerged from college with better grades? What if I joined the dance troupe? Or what if I took dance as my major?

It may seem easy to say but I will do my best to not let this frustrations hinder me from improving myself and learning more. Yes,as I linger on those frustrations, I am more aware that I have missed a lot of things, that at this point, I certainly don't deserve to be called a dancer. I still yet have to realize that it entails hard work, more time and of course, money to achieve this and that I couldn't hurry things up. I need to master the techniques of one genre before I delve into other genres. I will be a major work in progress, hopefully I get through it.

I had a very tiring day. But it is the good kind of getting tired. I was lucky enough to be part of the summer training of one of the best, if not the best, dancers in the Philippines - UST's pride, none other than the Salingawwi Dance Troupe. Since I've been going back and forth to school after graduation, I was able to spot their posters for the Summer Training. Right then and there, I decided I will really make time for this because the last time I saw their poster I neglected it for i either had internship or i was with Playshop. So this time, I really took time to be part of it and put on my best dance clothes. I arrived just as everyone was signing up and later found out that most of the people who went there were applicants for the premiere dance troupe. So i informed them that I had already graduated and was just there to experience their training and then they were nice enough to accomdate me. As I walked into the venue, there was a long line of hopefuls seated at the bench while the dance troupe members were sitting on the floor, hanging out. Biglang pagpasok ko, I saw them turn their heads towards me. Quite scary, but i figured they do that to all, i guess. While waiting for the the training to begin, I met some new friends. Three of them were incoming freshmen while the other one was an incoming fourth year who also was just there for the training and not for the auditions.

Finally, they called us to stretch and for some warm-ups. Since I didn't had glasses on and I was at the back, I couldn't clearly see what routines we were doing. But, it was a good thing that once in a while, one or two Gawi came to my rescue and guided me through it, pointing out how I should do it. At that moment, I felt like "Gee, I used to do this four times a month for four years, how come I couldn't do it right anymore.." I was lucky enough that the ones helping me out were patient and really encouraging. Right then and there, I was completely humbled. After that a long round of jogging with combinations faced us. and Boy, was it tiring. Muntik na akong tumiklop but I had to go on and on. Even if I wasn't there to prove anything, ang epal ko naman kong magive-up ako bigla diba? After that, it got harder and harder. We were asked to do different leaps and stunts, some of which I was familiar with and to some completely not. I was almost always on the last of the line and by this time all eyes were one me, but I did what I could of the routines we were asked to do so. Jete's, Chasee, Straddle Jump, Stag Jump, Cartwheel, Forward Walk, Bridge Walk and all the works. But I wasn't able to execute the latter 3 completely. It took more than 6 gawi members to teach me how to Cartwheel and do a bridge walk. I almost died of shame when their coach shouted, "double time". Feeling ko kasi ako na lang ung hinihintay. But I managed to refocus my energy and just do whatever I could of the stunts they were teaching us. And little by little, I was able to somehow get it. As i've said in my old school journal, I would be forever grateful to those people, because they just didn't taught me the proper techniques of the stunts but they taught me to let go of my inhibitions, believe in myself, strive and of course, be humble enough to learn from them.

Gosh. Wait. This is spur of the moment thought. I just remembered last Sunday's homily - "be humble enough to need each other" Thank You, Lord. This was really a blessed day.

Moving on, as I was in between those center routines, the President approached me and gave me a number which I explained again that I have already graduated but he told me it's okay and still gave me the number. Aaminin ko, that time, napaisip ako bakit kaya nila ako binbigyan nang no.? Does this mean may chance kaya o possibility... But I didn't linger on that thought for so long and just proceeded with what we were doing. The last part of the training was a 16-count hip-hop routine. This isn't really my forte and I wasn't also able to execute the whole of it flawlessly but I just grooved with them. Sabi nga ng Maneouvers, it's okay kahit hindi mo makuha lahat ng steps, basta makahabol sa timing. Well, sort of like it. Then we had to cool down na and some pep talk from the coach and the other officers.

While we were talking with Faye, the internal PRO, their president Marvin came up and asked "who was number 72?" and I raised my hand and he told me he needed to speak with me daw and sinabi ko ulit, graduate na po ako. But he still talked to me afterwards. He told me that they will allow me to train with them hangga't wala pa sila nakukuhang bago to which I thanked him about it and asked more questions to reassure me na okay lang na maki-train ako sa kanila.

I actually honestly don't know kung mafflatter ako or kung mahihiya ako sa sinabi niya sakin. Ayoko man magfeeling, pero bakit? Did they saw a potential in me or they were just making sure na kung ano man nakuha ko dun ay hindi ko "ippirate..". Pero whatever that is, bahala na si Lord. Kasi its not so close to impossible but not so close to possibility either. Labo. Haha.

After the training I had a nice lunch and chit-chat with my new found friends. It was nice of them to open up and share stories of their life -more on love life. Siyempre, ako si clueless kasi naturingan pa man nila akong Ate, NBSB naman ako. so wala ako ma-share sa kanila. I was learning from them. Haha. Pero natouch ako sa sinabi ni Myla na "Inggit nga ako sayo kasi single ka, kung magkataon ung mameet mo in the future, first and last" She said na parang ano daw kaya feeling nun. And ayun biglang may imaginary lightbulb na nag-appear sa ulo. Kung ano man lamang nun, akin na lang un. Hehe.

then I head home but upon reaching it, I was still overwhelmed of the feeling I had while dancing. Kahit na super pawis pawis at lahat, ang sarap ng feeling at kahit nangingining na ang mga muscles ko at ang dumi ng paa, okay pa din. Na-miss ko yun. Kahit super nangapa yung katawan ko sa mga ginawa namin, hindi ko ininda ung pagod, go lang ng go. Ang SARAP SARAP ng pakiramdam ko at tuwang tuwa ako that I just had to find a quiet time with God and thank him for it. seryoso, ginawa ko talaga yun. Ngayon, gusto ko na talaga bumalik sa sayaw at use it for His glory. Isang malaking blessing talaga ang opportunity na to at pagsasayaw. Napansin ko din na ibang glow ang naibigay nito sakin ngayong araw, kahit wala akong pear earrings on ngayon, ang bright ng face ko. O pwede din dulot ng nalabas kung pawis, kaya parang healthy tingnan. Hehe.

At dahil sa rush na nafeel ko sa sayaw, ay I had a great quite time alone with God.sabayan mo pang ng dramatic bright and clear blue skies sa 19th floor ng building. Ang Sarap! I couldn't thank Him enought.

Mahal na mahal ko tong araw na to.

Sabayan mo pa ng stroll around ayala, valero at paseo. yihess. parang sosyal lang no? at kumain ng fishball at kwek kwek sa ayala. yun oh!

Praise the Lord talaga!

Happiness is an understatment.

So I am home - officially the last time of homecoming from college. I got here yesterday morning as I took the first (and only) flight for the day alone. I was in the airport at around half past 4 in the morning and soon as i settled in the not-so-comfortable chairs there, I couldn't get myself to sleep even if I stayed up late the night before because of our lovely Baccalaureate Mass. I kept battling with myself whether I should go fix myself a coffee and a bread. But i chose not, I was broke anyway. I ended up playing my ever favorite Quadra Pop on my phone and did a people watching act. I don't know if it was the groggy feeling but those people who walked past me was indiscriminately criticized in my head.:P Sorry, but i was pretty bored. So anyway,as we were waiting to board I saw these two cute Korean couple in front of me and I somewhat stared at them because they were so sweet. But mostly because I got envious because the boy was giving his girl's shoulder a massage and my right shoulder had been aching for 2 weeks now. It was awkward coz the guy's eyes met mine, he might thought I was checking him out and to my surprise I got seated next to them in the plane.

Anyway, its been ages since I last rode the plane back home and I was greeted with a pleasant surprise of our newly (at least in my perception) renovated airport. I got fetched by daddy a li'l late because I forgot to text me them ahead as the we were boarding. Again, as I waited in the airport, I feast my eyes and my mind on the people around me.Someone tug along 6 balikbayan boxes and 2 heavy suitcases. I know, right.

It was a relatively silent drive back home with a little chit chat there. But no complains there, I was silently familiarizing myself with the area as I don't see it often when I go home. I went past the famous Bulalohan strips, this up and coming subdivision, the Coke plant and the furniture shops.

As I got home, I ended up just lounging around - ate breakfast, watched Ugly Betty,ate lunch, played Wedding Dash, surf the net until it was time for us to prep up for my brother's high school graduation.I put on a good ensemble just enough for what is appropriate for graduation and put on some makeup on me and my sister. I was officially the photographer and a proud sister at that. The graduation ceremony went well. The valedictory address was well said - it captured what a high school valedictory address really is - capturing the heart of their high school years. It was way even better than what the guest speaker had. But I did have a favorite line from latter. It goes something like finding your own niche and doing a unique thing in the right way. I got somewhat emotional during it because of a lot of things. I was remembering my own high school graduation and forecasting my college graduation and I was just so happy to see my brother gamely pose for the pictures I took as his face lits up together with his friends.
After the ceremony, we stayed on for a bit for more picture-taking in front of the four pillars since they had their graduation in the covered courts - a first for an ADNU HS graduation.

We head straight to my uncle's place where we had dinner. It was definitely way better than eating out in the restos in the city. Home-cooking at its best. Of course, hindi mawawala ang all time favorite leche flan namin.

On our way home, I dropped by to meet some friends by the local shop for a good 10 minutes or so and head home while I still nursed my aching shoulder. I think i should really get an x-ray now.